Holding Yourself to Neurotypical Standards: 6 Solutions for Creating your own ADHD-Friendly Standards
Math is not and never has been a talent of mine. I just don’t find it very interesting. When I was in school, I did try hard to get good grades in my math classes. Did I receive those good marks though? No.
In 3rd grade, we learned to solve long division problems. It seemed that my fellow classmates would joyfully go to the blackboard and gleefully solve their division problems. 8 year old me sat back in silence and prayed not to be called on. My 3rd grade teacher spoke endlessly about dividends and division brackets. To me, it was as though everyone understood this mystical language and I didn’t.
My teacher tried for weeks to teach me “how to do it the right way” and it just never clicked for me. I decided to order the numbers differently one day and realized that I had come up with the correct number! I was so thrilled with myself and couldn’t wait to show my teacher that I had done it! I waited for the praise that I knew would be mine! As my teacher looked at my work, instead of congratulating me for finding a way of solving long division that worked for me, she said, “It can still be wrong, even if you have the correct answer. Please do it the way I taught you.” My heart broke and I thought “I will always do things the wrong way. I’m stupid for not being able to do this like everyone else.”
Hindsight is powerful. As a fully-grown adult woman in her 4th decade of living, I now know that I had ADHD and that ADHD brains do not operate or do things in the same ways as neurotypical brains. What my 3rd grade teacher did that day is establish in me the belief that there is only one way to do things and that any deviation from that way is not acceptable. It took me years to unlearn that.
What this means is that so many ADHD people, instead of being encouraged to do things in a way that their brain understands, have been forced to adapt to standards that were created in spite of them. It has warped our ideas of accomplishment and success and has decimated our self-esteem. So, how do we begin letting go of these neurotypical standards we hold ourselves to and begin trusting our brains?
Why do ADHD people hold themselves to neurotypical standards?
Before we explore how to let go of the neurotypical standards that we hold ourselves to, we must understand why we hold ourselves to these standards.
We are ADHD people born into a neurotypical world. We were raised to do neurotypical things in a neurotypical way by neurotypical people to fit into a neurotypical world. The only problem? WE ARE NOT NEUROTYPICAL! Our beliefs about accomplishment and success were given to us as an only option.
When we were young and tried to do things in ways that were fun and interesting to us, what usually happened? Often, we were stopped and told to do it “the right way.”
“Don’t do it that way!”
“Do it like this.”
“What are you doing?”
“Who taught you to do it that way?”
“Anything worth doing is worth doing correctly.”
‘That is the wrong way!”
No wonder we stopped trying to be innovative, creative and experimental!
So, how can we drop the neurotypical standards that we have claimed as our own and step into own standards of success?
There is no such thing as perfect! What you view as perfect, someone else will view as flawed! You cannot win here! What ADHD people tend to do is discount or minimize any progress we have made if either the process of completing it or the finished product itself do not meet the idea we have had in our head of how it should go or what it should look like. It is maddening!
What can you do to let go of the idea of doing something perfectly? Before you begin anything...an email, painting your bedroom...anything, define what “reasonable” looks like for you. Do our bosses, spouses or parents expect perfection from us? NO or at least they shouldn’t, but that is another blog topic. Nobody is capable of perfection, especially at the level ADHD people expect from themselves. Please let go of this idea of “perfect.” You will never find it. It will be a fruitless search.
Our ADHD brains are capable of incredible things. Our brains are always on the lookout for fun, new ways of doing things! But do we allow them to? Rarely! So, what do I mean by flexible?
Here are some examples:
If it is tough day and you are struggling to get yourself into the shower, give yourself permission and flexibility to use body wipes today and create a time to shower tomorrow. What matters is that you met your goal of being clean today. It still counts!
Maybe you want to journal more consistently and you normally write an entire page. If today is a tough day, give yourself the permission and flexibility to write only 1 or 2 sentences. What matters is that you met your goal of journaling. It still counts!
Give yourself permission to be flexible! It counts!
You are never going to be consistent 100% of the time. Let’s get that out of the way. In order for you to establish a routine or do anything consistently, you have to learn to be at peace with this fact. I am an ADHD coach and many people have said to me “I’ll bet that you follow a routine perfectly everyday.” Do I have a routine? I do. Do I follow it perfectly everyday? NOOOOOO!
So, how do you create a routine and become more consistent with it?
Identify the things you would like to accomplish in a day/week/month
Create a basic (not perfect!) plan on how you would like to go about doing it.
Break your plan down into small, manageable steps
Identify barriers or anything that can get in your way. Maybe your medication will be wearing off? Maybe you have an appointment in the middle of your work day? Maybe you have to pick your kids up from school?
Figure out how you can move around your barriers. Maybe you can accomplish the higher priority tasks before your appointment. Maybe you can schedule your dental cleaning appointment while you are in the carpool line to pick up your children.
Taking into account your barriers, block a time in your schedule to tackle these tasks/goals. If something isn’t going to fit, don’t force it. Find a time that will work better for you.
The important thing to remember is that not everyday will be good and not everyday will be bad. Its a bad day, not a bad life.
In moments of perceived failure, we almost always receive a visit from our inner-critic. Our inner-critic is that voice in our brain...that voice that likes to remind us of every reason that we suck. She remembers every mistake we have made and is not shy about reminding us!
Managing your inner-critic begins by becoming aware of her. Acknowledge when she has arrived. We also must understand that her voice and the messages that voice carries are not our own. These messages come from all the 3rd grade teachers in our lives or those who served as trusted (or untrusted) authority figures throughout our life.
Once you have acknowledged that the inner-critic has arrived and have acknowledged that her messages are not our own, we can begin reframing the messages she brings. Reframing (in basic terms) is the act of turning a negative message into a positive message.
If your inner-critic is saying “You should be able to clean just like your sister,” you could reframe it into “My home may not be as clean as I would like, but I am working really hard to get it there and after some work, my home will look better to me.” Now, this will not happen overnight. It takes time and repetition, but we do hold the power to turn this into a skill!
How often do you celebrate your wins and accomplishments? If you are like most ADHD people, you probably don’t do this often or easily. When we have spent our lives being criticized and judged for how we do things, why would we celebrate any win or accomplishment? Now is the time to begin celebrating your wins, no matter how small or silly it may seem! Did you unload the dishwasher? Cheer! Did you hang up your clothes? Clap! Did you reply to an important email? Dance! Celebrate all of your wins and often!
Most people would define success in terms of financial achievements. Does that mean you have to? NO!! So, how can you redefine success to fit your life? Maybe financial achievements are not important to you. Maybe success to you is having a happy marriage. Maybe success to you is helping as many animals as you can. Maybe success to you is having a healthy sense of self. Whatever it is, decide what actions need to take place to make it happen. When we have ADHD and something is important or interesting to us, we are more likely to follow through with it. There is no universal definition of success. Create your own!