Getting Comfortable with "No"
These two little letters can bring up so much fear for the ADHD person.
“I’ll do it.”
“Sure!”
“I’ve got it covered”
We have all uttered these phrases from time to time. They are alternate ways of saying “Yes.” What about “No?” How comfortable are you with saying this word? Can you imagine yourself uttering this scary two letter word when someone asks for your help? For many ADHD people, just the thought of saying “no” to someone can bring up a sense of fear and discomfort. Is it a good thing to step up and help others? Of course. But...when you are helping others to the detriment of other areas of your life, overextending yourself and completely burning yourself out-it is time to get serious about getting comfortable saying ‘No.”
Why ADHD People Dread “No”
IMPULSIVITY
ADHD people are known to be impulsive. You may have a fear of missing out on an experience when someone asks for help, so you step forward sometimes without much thought.
SAYING “YES” PROTECTS YOU FROM JUDGMENT AND CRITICISM
You want others to view you as helpful and important. In the past, you have probably been judged or criticized for being “lazy” or “unproductive.” How do you protect yourself from that in the future? You try to avoid doing the thing that caused the judgment and criticism, so you say “yes” to everything. The positive treatment you get from others when you step up to the plate again and again makes you feel “good enough.” It feels better to be called “reliable” than it feels to be called “lazy.”
YOU WANT TO AVOID CONFRONTATION
The fear of someone becoming angry with you when you decline to assist them is far greater than the discomfort of agreeing to help them. In order to avoid the fear of someone being angry with you, you agree to things you don’t really want to do.
YOU HAVE LOST SIGHT OF YOUR OWN VALUE
Constantly agreeing to help screams “I have to prove that I have value.” When you have lost sight of your own value, you try to find our value in helping others. You do this by going above and beyond for everyone, but not for yourself.
Signs you have “Yes-itis”
What are the signs that you say “yes” too often?
YOUR CALENDAR IS JAM-PACKED
Chronically over-scheduling yourself is a sure sign that you are saying “yes” far too often.
YOU OFTEN FEEL RESENTFUL
Do you agree to something and then immediately feel resentment toward what you agreed to take on? You may even feel resentful toward the person who asked you to take it on.
YOU OFTEN EXPERIENCE BURNOUT
The stress and overwhelm of taking on things that you don’t have the capacity, time or energy to manage can lead you to feel completely and utterly burned out
How to strengthen your “No”
Strengthen your “No!”
PRACTICE SAYING “NO”
The saying, “Don’t practice until you get it right, practice until you can’t get it wrong” is so applicable here. Practice saying “No” in the mirror. Practice saying “No” in the car during your drive to work. Practice saying “No” with a friend. Just practice and then practice again. Get comfortable with saying the word. After a while, it won’t feel as scary to say the word.
SAY “NO” TO THE NO-BRAINER STUFF
Practice saying “No” to telemarketers. Practice saying “No” to the people at the mall who try to sell you products or give you samples. It is far easier to say “No” to someone you don’t know than to someone you do.
KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DO IT
In saying “yes” so often, you may be denying someone else the opportunity to step up. Remind yourself that others are just as qualified to handle a project as you are.
GET INTO THE PRACTICE OF SLEEPING ON IT
When you are asked to do something you don’t want to do or don’t have the bandwidth to handle, ask for some time to consider. You could try saying something like, “I’d like to give this some thought. May I get back to you on this tomorrow?”
USE THE RIGHT LANGUAGE
No is a complete sentence. You do not have to include any words that imply that you are unsure of your decision. Some examples of words that imply you are not confident in your decision are “maybe,” “possibly, “but” and “perhaps.” It is important to be kind, but firm when you decline someone. “I’m not able to take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me!”
NEGOTIATE TERMS
You may be asked to take on something that you don’t mind doing, save for one part of it. Maybe you are asked to plan an after-work outing, but don’t enjoy emailing your coworkers about it. Communicate what you are willing to commit to and ask for another person to be responsible for the rest.
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”