What I Wish My Partner Knew About My ADHD
I love being in love. Who doesn’t, right?
I love holding hands, going on dates, buying gifts for my love interest, long talks and everything that goes along with being in love and sharing my life with another person. I’m good at the fun stuff. It comes so easily. The hard stuff though-staying on top of the dishes, remembering to pay the water bill, communicating thoughtfully and effectively-these don’t usually come as easily to me or to most ADHD people.
I had tried so many times to explain to partners in the past how ADHD affects me and how it affected our relationships. After a while, it just sounded like I was making excuses and they just didn’t want to hear it anymore. I didn’t feel heard, I didn’t feel understood, I didn’t feel validated and I didn’t feel valued. What did I feel? Completely alone.
What would you say to your partner or spouse about your ADHD if you knew they were really hearing you?
I asked some amazing ADHD women this very question. This is what they had to say…
We need you to know that “forgetting” doesn’t mean we don’t care…
My partner and I both have it, but “forgetting things,”- dates, events, favorite things, etc., doesn’t mean we don’t care. It means it gets jumbled around and mixed up with everything else and our brains can’t always find it when we need it.
-Allie
If I don’t remember something, it’s not because I don’t care.
-Shalee
Don’t take it personally if I forget something. It’s not you it’s my brain.
-Alyssa
I don’t mean to forget everything and ask the same question a million times, my brain just files it away where I can’t find it.
-Keelie
We need you to know that we leave things out for a reason…
If I cannot see it, it does not exist. I sort the piles of dirty washing in colours in piles on the floor...not the cute separation dirty washing baskets we purchased because I cannot see the washing in those baskets. I need to visualize what I need to do.
-Hailey
If you move my pile of things, I lose my cue to remember to do that activity. I will not be able to retrieve the objects when I am ready to do the task. My brain just doesn’t work like that. I have to have an “in progress” shelf/ space/ area to stage my task list.
-Anonymous
We need you to know that we worry you won’t love us
because of our ADHD…
I constantly think that you are going to suddenly stop liking me for no reason.
-Deirdre
We need you to know that sometimes it’s difficult for us to focus
and it’s not because we don’t want to…
I fully care about what you are saying no matter how many times I interrupt you!
-Kate
I really am trying my hardest to give you my full attention. Yes, my mind sometimes wanders and I can get distracted, but I really am trying because I love you and I am interested in what you have to say. It can take a lot of mental energy though and sometimes my brain is exhausted and goes into sleep-mode. Or it's in over-drive, in which case I need to be moving around busying my body so my mind is still and present with you.
-Danielle
I’m not being rude it’s just easier for me to hear you and focus on what you’re actually saying when I have music/podcasts/something playing in one of my headphones.
-Jennifer
I’m sorry/not sorry I fall asleep watching TV by 10pm. My brain works overtime to process stuff, I don’t sleep great and I’m just tired. Regardless of how much I like or dislike a movie or show, if it’s not stimulating enough to keep me awake on its own. If your version of quality time doesn’t involve me using you as a pillow or ottoman while I snooze and you watch Family Guy for the 18,000th time, then let’s try finding new things to do together instead of just watching TV. We will probably need to do this often, though, cause I’m gonna get bored of the new thing in a few months. But also, please keep the TV on for background noise.
-Stacey
Even if I love a person -especially if I love a person- I cannot get anything done around them. So please don't be hurt if I need my space or need to put on earphones even to do something like making the bed. Because the sooner I make the bed (or do the dishes or write my paper or do my work project or whatever), the sooner we can get back to goofing off and having the most fun together.
-Anonymous
We need you to know that our ADHD confuses us too…
Sometimes I’m just as confused as he is about my ADHD. After 21 years of no diagnosis or medication, I now have to learn to readjust my life and figure out ways to help all these “normal,” every day things that are actually due to ADHD. I don’t know what I’m doing sometimes but I just need him to support me through it all.
-April
Be patient with me I’m still learning how to live with ADHD.
-Nadine
We need you to know that we are doing our best…
I know it confuses you, but I can’t just “do it.” Whatever “it” might be. Maybe because it’s overwhelming, maybe because I just don’t know how to get there from here.
-Kee
I’m not lazy.
-Kristina
I give my best every day. Sometimes my best is cleaning the house top to bottom, making a delicious dinner (on time) and being fully present for the kids and him. Sometimes my best is just being there, but that’s all I can give that day.
-Anonymous
We need you to know that ADHD affects our behavior…
“It’s not you, I’m just overstimulated” -a daily quote in our house.
-Hailey
We need you to know that communication can be a challenge for us…
If I´m being "overly" analytic in arguments, it´s not to be annoying. It's trying to understand what he actually means in my mind so that I get it right. Also if I remember something he said for years, it´s because the hurt is still there.
-Anonymous
I don't mean to step on your words. I just really want to tell you my idea. I'm sorry I got distracted by an interesting mushroom in the middle of your sentence. I still wanna hear what you wanna say.
-Casey
That I’m not being tedious or intentionally difficult when I ask for very specific information, even if it seems obvious. Just because I can roll comfortably around with complex literary theory doesn’t mean I don’t often need explicit instructions or steps for some things, especially if it involves numbers, dates, or math.
-Anonymous
I have felt rejected for being myself for most of my formative years, so in social situations I am charismatic and energetic because I have a need to fit in. When I get home to you, it's not that I'm not that person but I feel safe to be able to be myself, exhaustion and all. You get the most vulnerable part of me, if feels fake or forced if you want me to be that person in social situations.
-Kim
We need you to know that living with ADHD can be exhausting…
The amount of emotional labor it takes to be a stay-at-home mom is hard for anyone, but exponentially tougher for someone with a neurodivergent brain, so while I may not look like I did that much, my brain exhausted me spinning its wheels just trying to keep the family afloat.
-Amy
I want him to know that sometimes my brain really is fried just from daily tasks/living. When I take rest, that IS me working. I’m not being lazy. I’m not purposefully avoiding work because I don’t like to work hard. I actually love working hard but my mind never stops unless I’m asleep and sometimes that’s not even true. I may get started slowly but once my mind is clear and rested I’m an unstoppable force.
-Anonymous
We need you to know that we want you to learn about our ADHD…
I wish my partner would learn and invest time in learning about ADHD, its different symptoms and which affect me…the same way he learns about NFL teams/players, stats and what they’re good at before a football draft. Our marriage would be in a much better place if he did.
-Mari
We need you to know that we do not use our ADHD as an excuse…
I’m not using ADHD as an excuse. I finally had an answer to why so many things were hard and it’s a real thing! I’m not a complete mess for no obvious reason- there is a reason!
-Jacqui
We need your support and encouragement…
I want my partner to know that I thrive on genuine encouragement and some days/moments I really need that verbal boost from you to be my full badass self and accomplish the things! Please remind me of my strengths and positive qualities also. You be my cheerleader -and I'll be your cheerleader.
-Allie
I need reassurance that I’m doing okay, that I’m still loved and that I’m not too much.
-Sarina
I need you to hold me accountable but I also need you to be kind and comforting when I just can't. I need your validation, I might not feel it inside but I need it to be able stop this demeaning screaming match in my head.
-Kim